


Dark Matter

by Anonymous



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Addictive Behavior, Dark Thoughts, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Relapse, Trauma, feelings of worthlessness, mentions of cuts, past self harm, self destructive behavior, self-hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28515123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Buck's midnight thoughts(Aka my midnight thoughts projected onto Buck, READ WITH CAUTION as this mentions heavy depressive thoughts, and self destructive behaviors)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29
Collections: Anonymous





	Dark Matter

It's not until 1:27 am that Buck feels like his conscious wakes and his heart skips a beat. He's been lying here for the past half hour, restless in a way he couldn't explain and had no way of settling either, but also not fully there as if his brain had been in loading mode. But then it hits him, the deep, heavy shame.

/What have you done?/

It comes in an authoritative voice, strict enough to make him shrink. 

/So fucking dumb./

He has to concentrate to keep his breaths level.

/You always do this. You always fuck up./

And yeah, he really has. There is no way to undo this, no way to ignore it away, no way to deny.

He has fucked up big time. Maybe he had cleaned away the blood and his leg and he'd bandaged it expertly because he knew very well how to do that now. No more infections haphazardly covered with toilet paper, or scabs rubbed open and bleeding into his clothes. Everything packed away and hidden without a trace.

But there's no masking cuts when he's out on a call, pushing his body to the limits. He can't ignore a wet, slipping bandage, or a ripped pant leg, or a blow to the damaged area, the sensitivity to any roughness or heat. He's made himself a liability now.

How has he ended up here again? How didn't he learn 15 years ago while washing baseball ash out of half healed cuts?

And what is he supposed to do now? What does he tell Bobby? How could he ever lie to Chris? And Eddie-

Eddie is going to be twice as disgusted as Buck is now.

Buck considers his options...

1\. He could be honest.  
Tell Bobby what happened. He relapsed. Bobby would understand, he's been through relapses himself. He'd be put on light duty for a few days probably - at least, definitely would have to go see a therapist, and endure questions upon questions from everyone. They'd find out the truth one way or another. 

Aka, not a real option.

2\. Run away.   
  
Now, that one he likes. Just jump into his car and drive away to another place no one knows his name. Start over. And this time he'd screw getting so close to anyone. He's tried that. It went South. 

He can't tell exactly what and why things went wrong - yeah some shitty things happened, but he could deal with shitty circumstances, it's his mind that's just fucked being repair apparently - and Buck just starts reeling and gagging at the mere implication of understanding the poison shooting through his brain. The poison that the electrons in his brain were made of. The atoms he consisted of- His very existence-

He can't. It doesn't matter. Nothing does. He might as well run, let his existence fade into the nothingness, and let all the good people in his life move on without a Buck-shaped hindrance in their lives. Maddie and Chimney have each other and a baby coming, Eddie has Chris, of course, and his own healing journey that he's smashing, Bobby has the Grants and the station, and Hen has Karen and their two kids. No one needs a Buck lingering around they throw pitying looks at, trying to talk sense into him.

It's not like he doesn't know. He knows, okay. He knows it's wrong and he deserves better and this is not the way and he has to talk-

But that's not what he feels.

No one ever understands how he feels. There's no other comfort, no other way for him to grab a moment - just a moment's peace, a refreshing breath of relieving air, to press stop from the runaway train that is his mind and just rest. He's been to therapies, he's done the work, and look at what he's achieved!

He has friends, family, a career, responsibilities. He's overcome so much.

And yet... The darkness inside him remains.

It's 1:48 am and the desolation and despair has settled in Buck as spots spin before his eyes from starting into the light-free world around him.

This is who he is, who he has always been. Who does he think he is that he could fool everyone around him?

/Golden boy,/ faceless figures sneer and snicker. Maybe it's time everyone sees him for who he really is, the tangle of burnt nerves that fray and spark, a ticking time bomb ready to implode, a carnage of pain and devastation, not a person, not human, far from a being of any kind. Just... a mess.

Buck swallows all emotion down and lets the numb cotton layer of acceptance settle over him, assimilating him to the dark matter around him.

It's okay.


End file.
